Yes, My Life Has Value

Have you ever felt guilty for feeling unhappy?

I think that, except in the very worst of circumstances, most of us can point to other women who are much less fortunate than ourselves. Perhaps our neighbor has an abusive husband. Or our old college roommate is filing for divorce. Or our best friend is suffering from severe depression.

Or the woman next to us in church had a major tampon leak during the service last weekend.

At any rate, when we have food on the table, a roof over our heads, and healthy children, we should be completely content. Right?

Yet so many stay-at-home moms struggle with unhappiness. For some, it’s feeling unattractive every day (baby slime doesn’t do much for a woman’s wardrobe). For others, it’s feeling isolated from the human race twenty-four hours a day. Still others feel unimportant or unappreciated, as though what they do all day doesn’t matter much.

Why, why, WHY has the highest calling on earth become so devalued?

Really, that is a rhetorical question. I’m not going to get into the history of the women’s movement and the screwed-up values of today’s society. I think most of us have a good understanding of WHY it has become such a struggle to feel good about staying home with our children.

The real question is – what can we DO about it?

I recently watched a three-part series on Public Television called “Frontier House.” Did you happen to watch it, too? Three families spent five months in the wilderness of Montana and lived the way people would have lived in 1883.

Honey, you should have SEEN what those women had to do. I have been known to blow kisses to my dishwasher and washing machine since viewing this show.

One of the families hailed from a brand new mansion in Malibu. The wife was in tears when she discovered that they would not be allowed to wear any make-up. When I heard her say that, I figured she was in for a hard journey.

Five months on the Montana prairie with no electricity or running water, and she’s crying about MAKE-UP?

As the weeks rolled by, this poor woman confessed to a deeper, more real struggle: she felt isolated. She missed her friends; she missed being around people. Her life was a drudgery of repetitive chores that HAD to be completed or the family’s welfare was at jeopardy. There was no “down time.”

This must surely have been true for women in the 1880’s as well.

One thing seems very different, though. The work that the frontier woman did all day long on her homestead was vital to life. She cared for the children, she milked the cows, she tended the gardens, she sewed and washed and mended the clothing, she made each meal from scratch. If one chore was left undone, life’s balance was thrown off. There was no pizza delivery for those nights on which she “just didn’t feel like cooking.” There was no “drop-off day care” for when her seven children were driving her crazy (in a 900-square-foot cabin no less). She did it all because she HAD to do it all. She was vastly important.

In short, I don’t think these frontier women ever felt that they had to “prove” their worth to society. Their lives spoke for themselves.

I wonder if the CONVENIENCES in our lives today have served to aid in the devaluing of what we do as stay-at-home moms?

How much effort does it take to open a package of ground beef, mix it with an egg, some catsup, and a package of Lipton’s Onion Soup Mix, form it into a loaf and bake it in a pre-heated, electric oven?

Contrast that to butchering a cow, curing the meat, caring for the chickens, gathering the eggs from the barn, harvesting fresh onions from the garden, grinding the cured meat by hand, stoking up a fire in a wood-burning stove, and checking the loaf until you determine that it is finished.

Yes, I was definitely born in the right century. You couldn’t pay me a million bucks to chop the head off of a chicken.

Well, okay, maybe the million bucks would tempt me a little.

My point is this: Do the conveniences in our lives mask the amount of energy that we expend every day? Do they somehow create the illusion – especially to our husbands – that our lives REALLY AREN’T THAT DIFFICULT?

In truth, it isn’t the “daily tasks” that wear us out -- it is the emotional energy that we have to expend while caring for young children. A pile of dirty laundry can wait; a hungry child cannot. A dusty living room can be ignored; a crying child cannot. Even on days that include spring cleaning, migraine headaches, menstrual cramps, and overdue electric bills, we STILL have to keep giving and giving and giving to our children.

And that seems to be the part that nobody can see. The constant, twenty-four hour GIVING seems invisible from the outside. Especially when we are surrounded by microwaves, televisions, computers, and air-conditioned comfort.

“You have it so easy.”

“What do you DO all day?”

“Why don’t you go back to work instead of doing nothing?”

The words and attitudes of others can sting. But I firmly believe that we must rise above them and EMBRACE WITH PRIDE the calling of our lives. No, I don’t think we have to start raising livestock to prove ourselves – but I do believe we need to stop relying on society’s perception of us.

Frankly, who cares what “society” thinks?

Are our children well-adjusted? Are our homes happy, healthy, balanced? Do we feel tremendous satisfaction when we receive a sticky kiss from our three-year-olds, along with a big “I wuv you, Mommy?”

Let’s stop trying to defend ourselves. Let’s stop seeking worth in the approval of others. And let’s try (oh, how hard it is, but let’s try!!) to stop defining our sense of beauty by what is imposed upon us through the media. Yes, some of us ARE isolated. Let’s do what we can to reach out to others (that’s what this Ezine is all about, after all). Yes, some of us DO feel unappreciated. Let’s network with other moms so that we can lift each other up on the down days.

Oh, and one more thing. You are ALLOWED to feel unhappy sometimes. Everyone does. Pasting a smile on your face in a vain attempt to “prove” that your life is wonderful will just backfire. If there are issues….deal with them. If your marriage is shaky….face it and work on it together. But don’t ever feel guilty for having a sad day. Or even a sad week. We’ve all been there. And we all have to FEEL our sadness before we can move past it.

I’d rather have a sad day at home than a leaky tampon in public, anyway. Wouldn’t you?