Wanted: Corporate Slave

Please read my last post and get in on the chance to be featured on my blog for a week. I have received some good responses and I will share the winning one this weekend. I will run the contest until Friday at midnight CST.

A friend of mine from the Northeast sent me an email yesterday called “Fodder For My Blog.” Well it is great fodder, thanks K.

Her husband is looking for a management job and so he has the fortune of reading the plethora of stupid job postings out there. Most technology job postings list about 50 or so skills they are looking for, any only a handful could ever be successfully mastered by someone really good.

She writes “Here’s a job hubby turned up in his Monster.com search today - I thought you’d get a kick out of it.” [a monster link I will leave out, even though I would love to post it]

K says -I loved the very first line: Under direction responsible for hiring, training, coaching, developing and motivating IS professionals within department.

K has a great wit and quips “Why don’t they just say…

“We’ll hire you to do this but we don’t really trust that you can handle it so we’ll breathe down your neck as you work…”

K wrote more: “Then after that it says:

“Directly supervises 1-15 employees.” (Umm, big difference there, how about “We’ll severely under staff you most of the time to cut corners in our budget but we still expect you and your “team” (of one) to meet all the quotas we set when there were 14 of you.)

K gets it. She is reading between each idiotic line.

Then K finishes with “Which is, I guess where my most favourite line comes in: “Commits to long hours of work when necessary to reach goals.”

Thanks K for that nugget.

The last line is the best:

Commits life to company at all costs.
Will work as many hours as needed for one set fee (called a salary)
Come work at our sweat shop
Be on our team of corporate slaves

If the hiring manager actually wrote that job description, can you imagine what s/he is like to work for (not with). It was clearly stated that you would be micromanaged.

My favorite line in the job description is “rewards and disciplines employees.” They don’t belong in the same sentence. And disciplining? What are they children. Yep, probably are.

Here is my revised edition:

POSITION

Under the direct micromanagement of the hiring manager you will be responsible for hiring, training, coaching, developing and desperately motivating what we call professionals within our miserable department. Directly supervises 1-15 employees, or less depending on the current corporate climate.

JOB DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES

Carries out supervisory responsibilities in accordance with the organization’s policies, not all of which are ethical and applicable laws. Responsible for interviewing, at times hiring and training employees in several hours or less; planning, assigning, and demanding work (like I do); appraising performance; rewarding (a pat on the back) and disciplining (verbally abusing) employees; addressing all the dang complaints about working at our company and resolving all my problems. Completes work within an unrealistic timeframe; strives to help me meet my objectives tied into my bonus. Commits to long hours of work to reach my personal goals.

Thanks K for the early morning inspiration.