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Thursday, December 14, 2006On Mentally Punching An Optometrist"Ohhhh, wait a minute. We've got to talk about something!" It was the tail end of my just-a-few-months-late, yearly eye exam. I like the guy; really I do. He takes the time to teach, he's super intelligent and up-to-date on research, and -- most importantly -- he gushed about how young I looked when I first visited his office a few years ago. Yep, that's the way to get me to keep coming back each year. Anyway, I couldn't imagine what we had to "talk" about, since we had just discussed, in depth, my deteriorating vision and the need for new contacts. Dr. Eyeball was rifling through my files, though, so it had to be something directly related to what he saw there. "What?" I said (a bit defensively). "You've entered a new box." "What?" I knew I was repeating myself, but his comment had made no sense at all. "You've entered a new box." (Yeah, I got that part.) "You're in the OVER-FORTY club!" Oh THAT box. The "check your age group" box that looks something like "40-49." I felt myself begin to snarl. "Oh, be quiet!" "Well, I'm in the club, too." (And that was supposed to make me feel better?") "And, you know, forty is the magic number when vision can start to change." "You're not telling me that I've got to wear bifocals." "No. Not yet." Not yet?? Who's he kidding? I'm about as willing to succumb to bifocals as I am to allowing my gray hair to grow in. "In fact," he continued, "we only have a few more years before we have to think about what to do with your contacts." I could think of something I wanted to do with my contacts just then. He went on to describe to me the terrifying -- terrifying! -- possibility of suddenly waking up one morning and not being able to read the newspaper. I don't read newspapers, so it wasn't the best example, but still. Had he said "emails" instead, I might've passed out cold. "Sometimes it's gradual," said Dr. Doom, "happening slowly over time. But sometimes -- boom! It happens overnight. And that's normal, so you shouldn't be alarmed." Right. I shouldn't be alarmed if I wake up one rosy morning and find that I have to stand twelve feet away from my monitor in order to read Publisher's Lunch. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to reject the whole concept of aging eyeballs. My dashing father has excellent vision at the age of 73. Since I take after him in many other ways, I'm going to assume that I've got his vision genes as well. Bifocals my patootie! I mean, can you just see me wearing bifocals? My optometrist was lucky he had just done a fabulous job of talking to my daughter about never saying, "I can't." I watched him share a poignant story from his boyhood with Maggie after she told him she couldn't read the bottom line of letters. After listening to his story, she read the line and got four out of six correct -- proving that her vision, with contacts, was 20/15. That is the only reason I didn't punch him when he told me I was going to have to wear bifocals in a few years. No rocking chairs, no old-lady hairdos, no depends, and no bifocals. Not on this chick, not ever. Any questions? |
About Me
I am: Mother to five stunningly individualistic children... Writer of young adult fantasy... Passionate advocate for Women At Home... Madly in love with my husband... In need of Organic Gourmet Chocolate on a regular basis. I've got a Paypal account if you'd like to contribute to the cause....
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4of my readers are feeling chatty:
I hear Santa's been very good to you this year!
Congratulations!!
((((erica)))) Yes, he really has! Thanks. :)
Do you hear what I hear?
I think somebody patootied!
I think my glasses are more scratch than lens these days. It's like seeing the world through the stuff inside swamp cooler filters.
I like contacts, by my eyes are somewhat sensitive. My left eye rebels when I try to take out my contact. It's nearly a three person job.
I have to use a thing that looks like a mini toilet plunger. :)
Oh, my.
I am blind without my glasses. Blind! I can only see 14 inches beyond my nose. After that, it's all a blur. And I can't wear contacts. I've tried, many times, but I have very dry eyes. The contacts just fall right out. My vision is getting worse, and glasses are starting to not help as much. Sigh.
The funny thing is, both of my parents have perfect vision, but all of their children have terrible eyesight. My oldest sister is legally blind.
Do you think you'll ever have the surgery? (Lasic? Or something? :))
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