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Thursday, September 07, 2006Air FernThere we were, having our morning coffee on the screened-in porch, and Eric began to wax affectionate over his plants...again. "I love that fern," he said oozily, gesturing to a frothy plant on the nearby table. "Look, it's got a new frond. I love when the new fronds come out, all fresh..." Okay. I think it's great that Eric has filled the screened-in porch with lovely greenery. He even remembers to water it on a regular basis. But let's face it; plant talk is neither romantic nor remotely interesting. I needed to infuse some new life into the conversation. "When I was little, we had an air fern." "An...air fern?" It's hard to describe Eric's expression. "Well, yeah," I said. "It was this little green fern in a glass container, and it didn't have any water or dirt in it. My mom kept it in the downstairs bathroom." I recognized the strange twitching on Eric's face; he was getting ready to laugh. Hard. "Eric, I remember it! It was an air fern. Because it lived in the air! No, really. Google it! Just type 'air fern' in parenthesis." Eric needed no persuading. He grabbed his laptop (which almost always enjoys coffee time with us) and did a search for my oh-so-funny air fern. I just knew I would be vindicated. Especially when pages and pages of entries came up. Eric clicked on the second entry and we both watched the screen to see what wondrous truth would be revealed about air ferns. (Actually, I was waiting for the wondrous truth. Eric was sure that he would find proof that I had just uncovered yet another idiotic tidbit from my childhood.) There it was, right before our eyes: Don't hold your breath waiting for your "air fern" to grow. You may turn blue in the face. The air fern, which is billed in stores and some garden centers as a plant that needs no water or fertilizer, is actually the skeletal remains of a tiny sea animal called Sertularia, a distant relative of coral. The skeletons look like ferns and have extremely fine foliage. In stores they are also sold as "air plants" and "air moss". The skeletons are collected by ships which dredge for them along coastal areas in the estuaries of streams and rivers. They are then treated with chemicals and dyed green. If you have an air fern, don't water or fertilize it -- this exercise will be similar to trying to feed a corpse. And even worse, the water removes the dye and bleaches the stems. (excerpted from Plantanswers.tamu.edu) Oh. My. Freaking. Gosh. I have spent my entire life believing that the feathery green thing in our downstairs bathroom during the late seventies was a real plant that didn't need to be...planted. I remember marveling at it while I sat on the toilet. I remember feeling amazed at how lightweight and vibrantly green it was. All that time, I'd been admiring a super-dyed sea skeleton. Naturally, Eric about peed himself as he read the sorry truth about my air fern. I was stunned -- deflated -- indignant. What is it about growing up in a small town in the Northeast that lends itself to this sort of thing? I honestly can't see my own children falling for something like this (with the possible exception of Spencer, who lives in a world so thick with imagination that it's hard to sort him out sometimes). I can see it now -- my mother will say, "What air fern? I don't remember an air fern. That's dumb!" And my sister will say, "Jill, that wasn't a real plant. You thought that was a real plant?" Then Eric's belief that I am truly the village idiot will have its final proof. |
About Me
I am: Mother to five stunningly individualistic children... Writer of young adult fantasy... Passionate advocate for Women At Home... Madly in love with my husband... In need of Organic Gourmet Chocolate on a regular basis. I've got a Paypal account if you'd like to contribute to the cause....
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13of my readers are feeling chatty:
Air Fern...
And here I thought this was going to be a post about Nike sneakers made from plants...
;-)
SNOOOOORRRRRTTTTT!!!!!
Oh m'gosh that is TOO funny!! Do you know how badly laughing so hard hurts at nearly 36 weeks pregnant?
We had one of those when I was growing up too, proudly displayed on the television in the living room. My mother swore it was a real plant and never could figure out why it lost more and more of it's green color when she misted it to get the dust off.
Definitely must be a NE PA thing. ;-)
Hey, you know, this could explain where your philosophy of pet-keeping went askew. You must have thought that poor little rodent of yours was an "air mouse".
0:-D
In the tourist shops around work they sell these little plant-type thingys glued into seashells that supposedly get all their nutrients from the air...the labels say they are alive and also real, but I have no idea. They sorta look like dried aloe vera plants.
I thought those were what you were talking about until I Googled "air fern".
I'm now slightly freaked out. ;)
Now there's a plant I can get behind! One I can't kill! LOL
I purposely didn't comment earlier because I've been digging through my memory for an air fern. I have a somewhat fuzzy vision of something in the bathroom...but nope...I just can't get a grasp on the fern. So I'm not saying, "Jill, that wasn't a real plant." I'm saying, "I CAN'T REMEMBER THE PLANT!"
Don't feel bad, I talked to ours! LOL
Oh Jill, thanks for the laugh!
I remember marveling at it while I sat on the toilet.
Kerrie, I'm STILL laughing at AIR MOUSE...
LOL...
Mrsatroxi -- Are you freaked out at air ferns in general, or at my stupidity? :)
Dramamama -- I never thought of that!! LOL
And oh, Sister....you're kidding??
Dave...I believe you! LOL
Ohhhhhhhh myyyyyyyyy goshhhhhhhh! I almost tinkled just reading this!!!!!!!! LMSO! LMEO! If I was Eric, I would NOT have been able to restrain myself....oh my goodness! That was funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I'll read it again.
You poor thing...You know it is heart-breaking when we find out things from our childhood that were not true...I would have been deflated like you learning the truth about the 'air-fern'.
Air ferns, air ferns! Not you!
(Also thank you for the comment! It was somehow marked as spam by my spam-catcher. :( I'm sorry.)
have to say I can understand and empathize with you. I went online just to check the possible ways to care for my air fern that was just given to me as a get well gift. Was told that you could graduate it to larger pots and that it would grow into it, so I did an online search and low and behold I came across the very same article that you and your husband did. Now I can't very well show those to my friend for fear of hurting her feelings, but it is a pretty addition of green and I don't have to worry about killing it. so what if it's not really a living plant? it still looks good! and hey gave you some good memories of your bathroom growing up!! enjoying your page gladd I continued to work up my searches on the ever elusive question of to water or not to water LOL.
LOL! I came across your page after doing some internet searching on the "air fern".
My mother just bought an "air fern" because of her memories of one as a child... My Dad ate a piece to see if it tasted like a plant... he just couldn't believe that it was real. Moments later I was reading the very same article telling me that the reality of the fern... needless to say, Dad is still spitting!!
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