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Wednesday, May 03, 2006Heart to HeartThree and a half hours in the company of a good friend over lunch with fruit tea -- how could it be better? Add to that a sunny, near-80-degree day with a gentle breeze blowing...and no children along. Bliss! Sarah and I have been friends for a decade. Ten years ago, we sat down together and planned our children's homeschooling futures. Sarah's daughter was five; Jonathan was four. I was convinced that Jonathan was a genius and was therefore starting him with kindergarten a year early, with a full curriculum. Sarah, who has always been more level-headed, was going to take this homeschooling thing one year at a time. Now, here we are. Our firstborns have reached high school age and our lastborns have been potty-trained for years. We've walked through "my child is a math moron" and "how will I ever get him to enjoy reading" and "I don't want to ever wear a jumper and look like a homeschooling mom." For the record, neither of us has ever worn a jumper or looked like a homeschooling mom. Sarah's "math moron" has turned into an Algebra whiz kid, and Jonathan has been known to stay up well beyond his bedtime to finish a book. Sarah's one year "experiment" with homeschooling has become a fulltime commitment, and my neurotic go-by-the-book approach has relaxed to the point where I no longer use any textbooks at all, save for math. Sarah and I have often gone months without chatting and even longer without actually spending time together, but we have remained allies...partners...friends. I had such a good time with her this afternoon. Sarah laughs at me when I talk about my online life. She sends email and visits the odd web site, but has never dug into online life the way I have. That's probably because Sarah is extroverted to the maximum possible extent. And I -- in Sarah's word -- am a hermit. No, but I'm a friendly hermit. I really do like people. In fact, spending an afternoon with a friend completely energizes me (I'm sitting here writing, am I not?). And if you hand me a microphone and place me in front of an audience, you may never get me to sit down again. But let's face it -- writing is not a team sport. I'm at my best when my office is quiet and nobody is knocking. There's something comforting, though, about knowing that my online "support system" is just a click away. Over the years, I've made some dear friends through online connections, many of whom I was able to meet in person. The Internet is definitely a vehicle for bringing people together who would otherwise never have known each other. I like that. Except, there's a weird element to it all that has recently reared its ugly head in my life. When we've got an online friend, it sometimes becomes too easy to simply "pull the plug," as it were. You know -- slip into oblivion, never to resurface. Relational waters a bit shaky? Unsubscribe from the group. Not getting along with your buddy from the Teddy Bear Collectors Club? Remove her from your IM "friends" list. It's as simple as that. If you get tired of someone, you can just erase him. I know. I've recently been erased. Honest, transparent online relationships are very real, indeed, because of how two people can share their hearts and lives through the written word. You can imagine how much it hurts to be erased by someone you've trusted, laughed with, and loved for several years. No matter that we'd never met; no matter that we lived hundreds of miles apart. There was so much "kindred spirit" between us, despite our differences. The erasure blindsided me. I effectively have been removed from this person's life as though I never existed in the first place. Immature? Yes. Inappropriate response to a conflict? Absolutely. But painful? Oh, yes. Most of us don't realize the power we hold in our "delete" button. And more frightening yet: some of us do realize it. Can you imagine being able to "erase" people in real life? A guy cuts you off when you're trying to make a left turn: ZAM! Erase him and his car in one fell swoop. Your mother-in-law starts complaining about your cooking: PHLLLT! She's outta there. Your colleagues are all disagreeing with you at the weekly meeting: SCHLUPP! BZZZT! WHSSSP! ZZZZIP! And you're left with an empty room. Permanently. Am I going to stop sharing my heart online? Absolutely not. I'm all about being real and touching people's lives. I stand by my declaration that I've met some truly remarkable people online -- and I intend to meet even more as the years go by. I've met dedicated mothers, passionate writers, deep thinkers, and just-short-of-stand-up comics. I wouldn't give that up for the world. But when it's all said and done, it's lunch in the sunshine with a girlfriend that really refreshes my soul. Somehow, a warm hug and the sound of Sarah's laughter is a lot more satisfying than a row of parenthesis and a couple of "LOL's". And you know what? Despite my occasional lapses into complete twitdom, Sarah would never erase me. Even if she could. That's a really good feeling. Because sometimes I think I'd like to erase myself. It would certainly be quiet around here. I think I'll save my delete button for the intense editing I'll soon be embarking on. As for my heart...I think I'll keep offering it, even at the risk of being erased again. Life is about loving others, so I think I'll keep doing just that. Thank you, Sarah, for giving me perspective just when I needed it. I love you! |
About Me
I am: Mother to five stunningly individualistic children... Writer of young adult fantasy... Passionate advocate for Women At Home... Madly in love with my husband... In need of Organic Gourmet Chocolate on a regular basis. I've got a Paypal account if you'd like to contribute to the cause....
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18of my readers are feeling chatty:
This had me in tears....and I'm still in tears. (((((((Jill)))))))
all I want to say is that you are my online buddy through thick and thin. You'll never be able to get rid of me!!!! Muahahahahaha
I could never erase you or anyone else important to me. I get mad and I get over it. Life is too short to let special people just drift way. I love you! xoxo
Jill -
Can you believe, I just surfed in with Blog Explosion? I was wondering when I was going to run into you and Doris on here.
This isn't, however, what I expected to see. I'm so sorry to hear about you being "deleted."
I'm glad you got to lunch with a friend - it sounds heavenly!
Miss you!
Ami
Erase you? Never! You are my permanant marker!
Yep woman, you're totally stuck with a bunch of us.
And I hope you'll forgive me for using your blog comment section as a message board... but...
Leese, I got your note and I wrote back to you! Hope you got it!
:-D
Hi! I just discovered your blog through blog explosion! And I am glad I did. =) Your blog is a lot about my interests so now I plan to visit it regularly. =)
Hi! I just discovered your blog through blog explosion! And I am glad I did. =) Your blog is a lot about my interests so now I plan to visit it regularly. =)
I feel for you, Jill. I have recently also been "erased" basically by some people, but in an odd way. See, they were in my real life and my online life, but now they don't care to see me in real life (maybe I'm not hip or cool enough) though one of them does occasionally pop up in my online life to leave comments at my blog.
It's a terrible feeling, especially for somebody like me whose closest and dearest lifelong friends live in other parts of the country.
Two movies I've seen on the erasing thing: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and Butterfly Effect. Have you seen them? Spotless Mind is a dark romantic comedy, while Butterfly Effect is a dark trip through the psychology of regret.
Hey, I think we need an upbeat movie about being erased!
Aw, Jillian, I'm sorry.
The internet can really get to you. When something like that happened to me, I tried to think to myself,"It's just pixels, it doesn't really matter," but it DOES.
Amazing how much "just pixels" can hurt.
I'll never erase you.
Unless I hear you've been wearing overalls!
;-)
Oh my....I never expected such empathy, let alone the sharing of others' stories.
Thank you all. I deeply appreciate the transparency, as well as the sensitivity.
And I thought this post was really about my lunch in the sunshine!
Ami -- I didn't realize you were on BE. So glad you "browsed" your way here!!
Snickle -- ROFL Girl, you always make me laugh. Not just stuffy little chortles -- I'm talking REAL laughter! :)
Jill,
Yes, yes, yes!!!!
You hit the nail on the head. People hide behind the firewalls. It is what is different between "real" life an "virtual" life. I appreciate the way you share your heart. I feel like I have known you for years. :)
Nope - you are stuck with me, if you like it or not - so there. Although not stopping by every day (work-schedule to blame) - I usually catch up with my reads on your blog.
I have been erased as well, but in real life, because I had more time for my on-line friends - humph - no not really. I think it was a mis-understanding. But I also had some comments that were not good comments - but hey - gotta take the good with the bad, as long as the good ones out-weigh the bad ones, I keep blogging.
((((Jill)))) Won't be erased here either! You are loved dearly! I am sorry you were "deleted."
Hey, I heard there was supposed to be food at this love-fest!
Call us flypaper!
Yes, please keep offering your heart. It's beautiful!
I am sorry to hear you got deleted, I wonder if there is a Hallmark card for that.
I know how it feels, I seem to have been eliminated from a couple of friends lifes too.
The sad thing is I thought they were REAL friends not just online ones. I mean I even shared a vacation and hotel rooms etc with them.
I am still not sure what is going on.
((((Jill)))) Someday those parenthesis will become REAL hugs! You would never be on my delete button either, but I'll let you in on a little secret. I was once deleted many years ago by someone who is now a very dear friend, online and IRL. It was a misunderstanding on both of our parts. (I was REALLY confused because I was very new to the "online thing") I'm sorry to hear about your deletion. I love you!!!! Keep in touch!
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