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Wednesday, November 16, 2005I Want My Free Turkey
 The cluttered photograph to your left contains three of my children inside the downstairs hall closet. While I admit that it is tempting to stick them in there sometimes to quiet things down, last night there was a reason for this cozy, sibling time: tornadoes.I was contentedly snapping digital pictures during Maggie's ballet class, when the ballet mistress interrupted the class and said that a storm was due to hit at 6:00, so all classes were ending early. After sharing my cell phone with a couple of sweaty, pre-adolescent ballerinas, I scooped up my daughter and headed home. Eric arrived fifteen minutes later, so we were all "safe and together" for the upcoming storm. Normally, it would have been no big deal -- sit in the closet until Daddy sounds the "all clear," and be done with it. Last night, however, was rather angst-producing. Because last night was Free Turkey Dinner night at our local Publix. Understand me. I would walk miles for free food. Our budget is tight, and as soon as I'd found out about the free turkey, I planned it into my food budget for the week. Yes, I'm just that tight with my food pennies. So, the clock was ticking, the storm was raging, my children were in the closet, and I was worried about missing out on the free turkey. I don't even like turkey. It's the "free" part that got me. I thought we were free and clear after our first round in the closet, but fifteen minutes later Eric sent us all back in again. My children's legs are a lot longer than they were when we first moved into this house six years ago, so I can't cram them all into the same closet anymore. I took Jonathan and went into the guest room closet with him. (It was a great personal sacrifice, on account of the high risk of being exposed to a teenaged fart. Less than five minutes into the closet stay, my worst fear was realized -- he let one fly. I swear, this child has way more than fifty percent of his father's genes. But I digress.) Finally -- finally -- at around 7:30, Eric said we could go to Publix. The Free Turkey Dinner was only supposed to last until 8:00, so it's a good thing we only live two minutes from the store. It was raining heavily and the thunder was -- ur, thunderous. We were not to be deterred. Then, just as we pulled into the Publix parking lot, the tornado sirens went off. This was no "wail in the distance," either; the sirens are right across the street from Publix. Great. Twenty-five more minutes until the end of the free turkey, and I've got a tornado siren screaming at me. We pulled up to Publix, slowed down, and peered in. We could see all sorts of managers and important-looking Publix People hanging around the front of the store. But we couldn't see any customers. We pulled up to another entrance, where a white-shirted manager was taking a quick smoke. "Are you open?" Eric hollered through the van window. "Yes sir," Mr. Publix shouted through the rain, "but there's a tornado warning" (oh, really?) "and we're not letting the customers out of the back of the store right now." Well, it seemed pretty clear to me that, if we did enter the store, we would be immediately ushered to the back. Perhaps we might be chained to the cheese display or forced to spend the night in the walk-in freezer. This was starting to get creepy. We drove around for a few minutes. In my best whiney voice, I told Eric that I had macaroni and cheese in the refrigerator at home. He wasn't listening. This had become a Quest for Free Turkey. Things looked slightly more relaxed when we returned to Publix a few minutes later, and we went in. I was immediately accosted by a rather beefy female manager who explained that there was a tornado warning (oh, really?) and that most of the customers were in the back, though a few had started to "trickle" back to the front. How does one "trickle" to the front of a grocery store? Undaunted and smiling, I made my way toward the back of the store -- not to cower from the effects of the storm, but to search for the Free Turkey Dinner. And I found it. Turkey, stuffing, broccoli-and-cheese goo, orange-cranberry relish. I also found people sitting on the floor with their backs against a smoked ham bin. And Publix employees sitting in clusters like refugees from an M-class planet. And an eggnog display with nobody manning it. It was the weirdest grocery store experience I've ever had. We got our five-inch paper platefuls of Free Turkey and made our way back to the front of the store (what rebels!) where there were some tables and chairs. Jonathan appeared with nothing but cranberry relish and no spoon. "I don't really like turkey," he said. Clearly this child has not learned to appreciate the meaning of Free Food. Especially Free Food During a Tornado Warning With All the Customers in the Back of the Store. I don't think I'll ever view Publix in quite the same light. At least I'm not having some sort of MSG attack today. I don't buy or eat processed food as a general rule, and the Publix stuffing wasn't exactly what I'd call "naturally flavored." Still, it was free. Free chemicals, perhaps, but still free. So there you have it. Woman survives fart in closet and braves the tornado sirens in a quest for free food. Scary, huh? |
About Me
I am: Mother to five stunningly individualistic children... Writer of young adult fantasy... Passionate advocate for Women At Home... Madly in love with my husband... In need of Organic Gourmet Chocolate on a regular basis. I've got a Paypal account if you'd like to contribute to the cause....
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17of my readers are feeling chatty:
ONLY you would go out in a tornado warning to get Free food LOL I'm laughing my self silly! Oh my if you watched TV I would have to say you rivaled Malcolm's mom yesterday LOL
OH and I have come to beleive that teenages boys can fart at will!
YOU do have a way with words woman! You can just envision everything, glad you survived!
Oh, Jillian, you are a hoot (did I spell that right) - I mean you are really funny...
BTW - I "tagged" you on my 'regular blog' today...
Thanks for the advice regarding jammies - need to get my boody down to the GAP :)
Iris
OMG! ROFLMAO over here! Too, too funny! Free chemicals! I felt like you were writing that for me! LOLOLOLOLOLOL
I'd go out in a storm for free food too! ;)
Doris... well DUH! LOL
Pull-my-finger works when you do yourself too!
You know, if they sent a pack of 14 year-olds to Iraq that whole thing would be over in no time.
Jill:
Great story. You dont have an Auntie Em by any chance do you?
As I was driving between our two offices at work today, I passed 2 trucks that read "Boehme Plumbing". Maybe it all runs in the family? (No pun intended).
ROFL Dave!
Dave, you know my family?
Jill, my dearest, you take poetic license once again.
Few points:
If Jonnie farted in the closet, you should have known better, He farts 10 farts per minute (fpm).
You make us sound like Publix groupies. Ok, so I was ticked by not getting to our free turkey at Publix as it was getting closer to 8:00.
Well, there were about 3 tornados dropping down around us and I thought I could put a hold on the MSG injected turkey for that. Kinda hard to dodge mutltiple funnel clouds.
You are not that frugal with groceries. We go to Publix every day because we can walk. And we average about $700 a month on grocieries. So those of you who started to cry about Jill having to fit in a free meal into her budget.... You will find her at Wild Oats on the weekends.
I bought a nice bottle of champagne for Wednesday (hump day).
I love you sweetie. :) Cheers!
Eric
$700 per month with 6 members in the family???? Oh my, Jill, I think I have to take classes...I spend more and we are only 3 in the family - yikes. Well, must be the Phoenix Metro area than, because we don't have Publix :)...
$400 on 4 people here.
Glad you made it through.
eph2810:
Drop a note to DramaMama (a Dramaqueens guide to life) She is using a great program for using coupons at Fry's. She just went shopping a few nights ago, and spent $90 and left with $300+ worth of groceries. You can do that every week. She would be better to ask though.
CheezWeezil
eph2810:
btw forgot to mention we are in Mesa :)
Jenn -- believe it or not, I DID think of you! LOL
Dave -- No, but I had a cat named Emily.
Boehme Plumbing? Oy. Oy, oy, oy.
Eph, we had lentils tonight -- 2 bags at 79 cents each, plus one small slab of veal to flavor it. Served with rice and broccoli. Very cost-efficient meal! And there's plenty for seconds.
Except, I don't like lentils...
LOL!! Great story, well, except for the tornado part!
That is a great story, I think I would have done the same for FREE anything. I love free and cheap stuff :-) Have you tried, www.grocerygame.com? It saves me so much! If you go, tell them I sent you!
Yeah grocerygame.com, that's what DramaMama uses
Needing a plumber. Is this Boehme any good?
DAVE!! In the last 2 days, I've had 3 referrals to my blog from searches for BOEHME PLUMBING!
LOL!!
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